I should be laying in bed on my laptop

Anywhere but here.

Lately I've been listening to Yellowcard, Armor, Rage Against the Machine, The Postal Service. I just want to put on some headphones, curl up in a tight ball, turn off all the light, close the curtains and listen to Hidden in Plain View. Maybe hold my Panda and shed a tear.
It breaks my heart knowing there's nothing I can do to fix things, especially when I'm the only one in earshot of the pleas for help. I just keep saying, I took the wrong year off. And time and time again it's proved true.
Don't bother looking at my last.fm to see if I'm truly been listening to those bands or just trying to get scene points. I'll tell you right now, you'll see Four Year Strong, Forever the Sickest Kids, and probably Every Avenue. At work I tend to play whatever I've recently bought and is still in my car, I really need to get another harddrive. I miss my good CDs. In no way am I saying that those 3 aren't good, just that they don't evoke the emotions that Dream to Make Believe does and probably never will.
I never talk about my feelings or anything because I don't like it when people worry about me. The last thing I'd ever want would be someone to lose sleep over my well being, just leave the worrying to me. I'll figure everything out somehow, someway it's what I do. I'm a fighter.
Just know if I seem distance it's cause I am, I might be physically here but mentally I'm miles away probably in a different timezone. My brain in one location, my body another, my spirit a third and my heart lost. It's times like this that makes me thankful for the friends I have and the people that care oh so much about me. Also my strong will because had this been 4 years ago, I would be searching desperately for that one person that was drinking tonight and joining them shot for shot. Never again have I said and meant "I'm going to drink til I can't feel", nor do I ever want to.
Just know I'm thankful for who you are, what you do and what you mean. I don't want to talk about it but I do. But I just want to talk not really listen, not get a second opinion just say words out of my mouth that have some sort of meaning and call it a day. When I look at you with nothing but hope searching for a "everything will be fine" then feel free to say your piece. <3
I'm not depressed just down. I'm not suicidal just down. I'm not anything extreme just down. Can't be 100% happy all the time but that doesn't mean the end of the world. I have to say this because it seems that whenever I'm feeling less than peachy people get scared and talk and worry. And like I said I hate the worry. I'm fine, well not fine fine but I'll be fine. I'll be great. I just need time to sit, breathe, think, recharge. That's not coming in August and by the looks of things not September either. Time will fly by and I will do my best to be around but I know that my job simply doesn't allow for it.
Come visit me, we'll sit in the freezing basement, listen to the radio, and chat it up while I grind more than rush hour traffic.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept:
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept.