Monday, March 30
Thursday, March 26
Temporarily out of cash
Talk about nerve wracking. In a few weeks it will be 4 months since I had a job. As the days go on it becomes harder and harder to keep my head up. You start to get that attitude of "the phone didn't ring yesterday, probably won't ring tomorrow" but that's such a defeatist attitude. If I don't try then it will never ring. Something has to work out, I have faith. Just not as much as I'd like sometimes.
It also annoying that with unemployment I can only make so much weekly before it starts being taken out of my check. So I may bust my ass and grind out a dumb amount of freelance hours but at the end of the day I only make maybe 100 more than if I slept the days away. Sometimes I just say "why bother" but then I find the strength to continue. Cause, "ya never know..."
What bugs me most is the amount of money I have floating around. Several people have bothered money, or had me purchase something with intent to pay me back but I never see it. I guess these cats are all a different breed, maybe they've forgotten, maybe they lied to my face? The world may never know. What I do know is that far too many times in the past hmm year to two years I've been given empty promises. Maybe they need it more than I do? Maybe I deserve to be without. Doesn't help that daily I hear a words from my mother although I vowed to stop giving money in any shape or form to anyone anytime. If you want a ticket give me the cash or you buy them and I'll pay you. If ya want a ride better supply a fair amount for toll and gas. Going to dinner and you only have a card, split that check. It's the little things but they add up and this is the only way I can protect my pockets from further damages.
Full of hope, depression, confusion and determination. Hoping the goods outweigh the bad and I continue on to find bigger and better things. Or at least a thing. Not sure how much longer I can continue to tap out my savings and rob peter to pay paul. Simply not use to living like this, I never was the person to spend beyond my means purposely. Nor not be able to do whatever it was I wanted solely on cashflow. I work too hard and follow the rules too well to be in this perdictament. But then again, "everything happens for a reason"
It also annoying that with unemployment I can only make so much weekly before it starts being taken out of my check. So I may bust my ass and grind out a dumb amount of freelance hours but at the end of the day I only make maybe 100 more than if I slept the days away. Sometimes I just say "why bother" but then I find the strength to continue. Cause, "ya never know..."
What bugs me most is the amount of money I have floating around. Several people have bothered money, or had me purchase something with intent to pay me back but I never see it. I guess these cats are all a different breed, maybe they've forgotten, maybe they lied to my face? The world may never know. What I do know is that far too many times in the past hmm year to two years I've been given empty promises. Maybe they need it more than I do? Maybe I deserve to be without. Doesn't help that daily I hear a words from my mother although I vowed to stop giving money in any shape or form to anyone anytime. If you want a ticket give me the cash or you buy them and I'll pay you. If ya want a ride better supply a fair amount for toll and gas. Going to dinner and you only have a card, split that check. It's the little things but they add up and this is the only way I can protect my pockets from further damages.
Full of hope, depression, confusion and determination. Hoping the goods outweigh the bad and I continue on to find bigger and better things. Or at least a thing. Not sure how much longer I can continue to tap out my savings and rob peter to pay paul. Simply not use to living like this, I never was the person to spend beyond my means purposely. Nor not be able to do whatever it was I wanted solely on cashflow. I work too hard and follow the rules too well to be in this perdictament. But then again, "everything happens for a reason"
Wednesday, March 11
Monday, March 9
My face is wet
When I stop I cry, when I think I cry. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish these things didn't happen. I wish I got to say goodbye or at least see you more before. I wish writing this would help me feel better.
I know you loved me more than I could ever imagine and that helps and hurts all at the same time. So many memories, so many smiles. Who's going to help cut the strings now? How is he truly coping? What do we do now? When does it get better? How can I go through this all again?
Love
I know you loved me more than I could ever imagine and that helps and hurts all at the same time. So many memories, so many smiles. Who's going to help cut the strings now? How is he truly coping? What do we do now? When does it get better? How can I go through this all again?
Love
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