Today's How to of the day made me think even more. Before I continue let me apologize for this posting. It probably will not make sense, nor will it be in order. This is how my brain functions and I don't want to stop things from coming because I could be stifling a realization of how things are. Back to wikihow. So today was all about how to enjoy your job and I started to think, wow that's what I want in life. There are days when I'm so stoked to go to work, then there's the days when I know it's going to suck. Is the day worst because I planned for it to be? Probably. Am I just observant and know the cycle inside and out? Maybe. Whatever the case may be, I don't want to have bad days, work days, ok days and then that one good day. I want to enjoy the days that could make anyone else cry just as much as I enjoy that golden fun day in the office. I'm far too young and have way too many work days ahead of me, to be dreading these. The idea of feeling trapped isn't helping. Usually people my age, don't have much to worry about and this is the time in life when they are establishing things to get them on their own feet. I on the other hand, am trying to keep my head above water with a worry-free smile. Bills aren't fun, nor are expenses. I wish I had a rent or mortgage payment instead of a student loan or credit card bill. Then things would seem far more worthwhile. At the moment I'm working to keep the things I already have and to eventually get in a place to make plans for the future. My life is pretty much on hold for the next 4 years and that's depressing. It's not in any way shape or form how I'd like to have things, but that's the way I played the cards. It's kinda like when you're playing Lights Out and you fuck up in the beginning so you can either backtrack or just keep going and it takes more moves but eventually you'll finish the round. The methods I chose to get to where I am weren't the wisest or brightest choices but I'm here and I'm not giving up.
Not trying to brag or anything of that nature, but I make too much money to not have the things that others have. The state of living in Maryland isn't so substantial that 35k gets you nowhere. I need to sit down and think and figure out a new plan because being debt-free, except loans, in 4 years is great but it's still 4 years. At 27 I shouldn't be living the same as 23. I should write Suze Orman or Oprah a letter.
Dear Oprah,
I'm doing everything I can to the best of my ability and I know that one day in the future I'll be straight but I may lose my mind by them. I don't want you to pay for my mistakes because that isn't quite teaching a lesson but maybe you can show me the alternatives and provide me with even more choices than I currently see.
Thank you,
Monique
Maybe I'll just do that...
I'm freakin exhausted. For weeks now, maybe even months I've been wearing myself thin and things have started to slow so my body is trying to take advantage of my relaxed nature and catch up on rest. The only problem is that things aren't completely finished yet. My unmotivated self is forcing everything to take much longer and in the meanwhile I'm getting approached from all directions asking for things to get done. I need a vacation from everything and everyone and just be with myself. One day soon I'm not going to have anything left to do but be Monique and when that day comes, I hope everyone understands and leaves me alone. If not I'll have no choice but to disappear. It's what I do to keep my sanity, the people who know me have accepted this without question. Those who don't are now learning.
There's a couple things coming up that I'm very excited for. So each day isn't one in the same. Memorial Day is finally near, aka I have a day off of work that isn't vacation time. Haven't had one of those since New Years. That's ridiculous. That day is going to be 100% work free, except maybe some cooking/casual cleaning.
I love my friends, even though they do dumb things that I normally have to fix. They make me, me. And I'm a fan of that. If it wasn't for them, I don't know what I'd do with myself. Probably watch a lot more movies, and play video games. Speaking of movies, I just got Bebe's Kids and I'm amped to watch. Def one of my favorite movies back in the nineties.
I really want to find a boy. I have a lot of love to give and no one to quite share it with. Still not sure if I'm ready for a relationship but I'd love to find someone I can be all cutesy with for like 2 weeks. Maybe I should find a band that's in Baltimore for a short period of time... jk. I could go on more about the whole need to love aspect of my life, but it's been 3 hours and I'm tired of thinking...
Sidenote I came across another quote today and it made me think that I'm on the right path in life.
"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
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