Temporarily out of cash

Talk about nerve wracking. In a few weeks it will be 4 months since I had a job. As the days go on it becomes harder and harder to keep my head up. You start to get that attitude of "the phone didn't ring yesterday, probably won't ring tomorrow" but that's such a defeatist attitude. If I don't try then it will never ring. Something has to work out, I have faith. Just not as much as I'd like sometimes.
It also annoying that with unemployment I can only make so much weekly before it starts being taken out of my check. So I may bust my ass and grind out a dumb amount of freelance hours but at the end of the day I only make maybe 100 more than if I slept the days away. Sometimes I just say "why bother" but then I find the strength to continue. Cause, "ya never know..."
What bugs me most is the amount of money I have floating around. Several people have bothered money, or had me purchase something with intent to pay me back but I never see it. I guess these cats are all a different breed, maybe they've forgotten, maybe they lied to my face? The world may never know. What I do know is that far too many times in the past hmm year to two years I've been given empty promises. Maybe they need it more than I do? Maybe I deserve to be without. Doesn't help that daily I hear a words from my mother although I vowed to stop giving money in any shape or form to anyone anytime. If you want a ticket give me the cash or you buy them and I'll pay you. If ya want a ride better supply a fair amount for toll and gas. Going to dinner and you only have a card, split that check. It's the little things but they add up and this is the only way I can protect my pockets from further damages.
Full of hope, depression, confusion and determination. Hoping the goods outweigh the bad and I continue on to find bigger and better things. Or at least a thing. Not sure how much longer I can continue to tap out my savings and rob peter to pay paul. Simply not use to living like this, I never was the person to spend beyond my means purposely. Nor not be able to do whatever it was I wanted solely on cashflow. I work too hard and follow the rules too well to be in this perdictament. But then again, "everything happens for a reason"

I'm amazed

It seriously amazes me that sometimes I associate with the most insincere, ungrateful people. I wish there was a way for the world to open their eyes and they could see just how things are and how things could be for them. I also wish I could do more for those that have done so much for me. My father today damn near broke my heart. I could see and feel the grief surrounding him. He of all people should know that I don't care if he never gets me a gift again, he's given so much already. The fact that I have a bachelor's degree is mainly because of this sacrifice and hard work. If anything I should be giving him so much more.
I'm also amazed that some people I consider great friends have completely disappeared from my life without any notice. I'm definitely use to it by now but it still stings to know someone you'd do anything for would straight up ignore you, unwarranted. Everything happens for a reason...
Speaking of which, I've been dealt a bum hand these past few weeks and it seems that things aren't getting better. Actually worst. I don't know personally how much more bad news I can take, nor do I honestly want to find out. Too bad these things are out of my control. All I can do is pray each night that everything will be alright, in hopes that one of these days I won't awake with the remnants of my nightly tears.
I'm in no way shape or form complaining or nonchalant asking anyone for anything. I just ask that everyone pauses for a minute and realizes how good things are. Even with things in my life being as bad as they are, I'm still grateful that I am able to do the things I do and I have the people that I have in my life. Things can always be worse and tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. So I strive to appreciate each day for what it is, a new day full of opportunity and endless bounds for me to make the most of.

I just hope I remember this if and when things ever get truly bad.

Salty

I'm too angry to even type or think or vent. I just want to yell, but I can't. FUCK!

Hi I'm Monique

Massively updated my myspace profile. I have this ridiculous need to update my life, not really sure why I just wish I could clean my room as easily.
One thing I'll never get is why people care so much about what other people are doing? Why does it matter where I am, who I'm with, or how I got there? Does my existence threaten you? I wish one of you would just explain it to me cause I'm all kinds of lost. If I'm hanging out somewhere I'm obviously doing me, you should do the same. I guess I should just be glad that I'm confident enough in my own train wreck of a life to not need to feed my ego off of someone else's misfortunes. I mean in all honesty half the time I don't even notice people. That's what we call being in your element.
One request I do have is, if you're going to talk shit about me, use the facts. There's so much accessible information that could probably damage my reputation (or lack there of) that no one needs to assume anything or try to draw conclusions.
I also don't get how someone can judge who deserves what. I personally say the more the merrier, legit. Also isn't it the band's call who they put on their guest list or who they bring inside? If you don't work for the band, management or their label you don't get a say. I mean feel free to tell anyone and everyone who will listen, not to associate with me. But when I've done nothing to prove your words true, I doubt they will be more than just useless banter. Give it up!

I miss Vegas, at least those kids had a legit reason to hate me.

Am I the only one that remembers

So in May the very stylish Rachel Ray was accused for being a terrorist. True Story... Now everybody and their momma are rockin Keffiyeh scarves. I think someone owes Rachel an apology... I think it was a good look in the Spring, now it's become this staple of "if I wear this I must be posh" No. No wearing a damn scarf doesn't make people say wow look at you. There is more to fashion and style then to follow a trend. Reminds me of an episode of Doug... For the record, same goes for vests. I should become a stylist or a buyer.


PS: I'm a fan of the direction my blog is taking as of late. Oh the media!

yup, still holds true

Realizations are a bitch. I always say it but it never gets easier to deal with. I don't know what sucks more, knowing that you associate with shitty people or knowing that in a blink of an eye you'd still bend over backwards to help them in a bind? Sometimes I wish I was a bitch or at least heartless. It'd be so much easier to cut my losses and move on if I didn't care. Why am I the one to always get burned? The nice one, the good one, the one person you should treat better than others for the simple fact I'm one of the few that would wire you money to make sure you made it home safely. Not only that I'd give up sleep and fun to be there in your time of need. I keep asking myself why and the answer is simply, I do these things cause I'd want someone to return the favor. I guess somewhere in my brain the synapses aren't lining up and I can't register that shit isn't happening. What I'm really to do for others, won't be reciprocated. I'm giving 100% and only getting 35. Don't get my wrong, I have a few gems in my life that in all honesty give me the hope that the world can be better but even then sometimes they burn me just as so. The closer they are the worst it hurts, why do I live with such pain? Why can't people see what they are doing to me? Why am I asking questions that have no answers? Why do I care so fucking much?

bleh

So much built up passion and anger, not good for the heart. I already don't sleep I don't need to harbor any resentment, I'd cut you if I could. I am however very thankful for everyone that gave up their time/money/sleep/ect ect to insure that I enjoyed my birthday. It brings me to tears just thinking of your generosity. Love, love love. I feel it.

With that being said, dear assholes that I call some of my best friends. I had a birthday a week ago, thanks for not calling/texting or sending me the message just to say happy birthday. With that being said I also made it to Vegas and made it back safely. I know you were so concerned... It think it's really awesome how you couldn't drive an extra 10 minutes just to grace me with your presence. No worries, just give me some bullshit excuse; I'll smile and say "its whatever" and we'll go back to being the best of bests. Cause its what I do...


THANKS!

Your best friend is not your girlfriend

Why does that even need to be said? Time and time again I've seen it happen, people get so wrapped up in infatuation that they lose themselves and in turn, lose the people that knew them as them. It sucks and it's senseless. You don't have to give up one for the other to survive, at least you shouldn't. Eventually the newness dies, and things become stale and you realize that months instead of weeks have past. Not only are you stuck in a routine, you have no idea what's been going on in the world because you've been in a bubble.

Although you say you're different and things won't change, it does, you aren't, and it still hurts just the same.

Thanks Tom Delonge...feel free to assume this is about whoever you think it's referencing. How sad is it that multiple people could and probably will come to mind? I just hope someone can end this vicious cycle, one day.

Thanks Eb

She's not much of a talker but she gets the point across. I'm hella pissed right now so I decided to rant to someone who not only understands me but also what I do. Who better than my bff! After paragraphs of yelling and ranting she simply says, "I can't stand when people change shit after you worked on and finished something. I'm going through the same thing right now too, fuck'em"
That made me feel better, well not better cause I'm pissed that not only did I make something awesome no one will see, but I wasted time I don't have for a project that I fuckin SQUEEZED in in the first place. At least I'm no longer shaking, where's October?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Just so someone can appreciate my time...


ps If you have an eye like I do, I know part of it is a little effed. This was a rush job

I put up with this 8 hours a day, 40 a week

Hey - Dave will be asking you to do a postcard I believe today for CHomp - I asked him to get it to you before 1pm but there's a good chance that he doesn't - but he needs it by end of day today..sooo...just so you know. I have no idea what it is - as of Friday he couldn't tell me what would go on the postcard or flyer...

**************************************************

Just a heads up, it's now 11am. I haven't seen or heard from Dave


*update: Dave got back to me around 230ish, shit was due at 430/5. But as always, I got it done and it looks sick!

You're killing me....I'm killing myself

Haha just saw a picture from that night and it made me remember my life before this job. And the fact that its now trying to kill me.

If I get one more new project due SUPER SUPER URGENT - ASAP - PRIORITY NUMBER ONE!!! I'm going to stab someone. True story. Yanno what would be awesome? A freakin vacation. Mmm yup. And with that being said, back to the design already in progress.

I should be laying in bed on my laptop

Anywhere but here.

Lately I've been listening to Yellowcard, Armor, Rage Against the Machine, The Postal Service. I just want to put on some headphones, curl up in a tight ball, turn off all the light, close the curtains and listen to Hidden in Plain View. Maybe hold my Panda and shed a tear.
It breaks my heart knowing there's nothing I can do to fix things, especially when I'm the only one in earshot of the pleas for help. I just keep saying, I took the wrong year off. And time and time again it's proved true.
Don't bother looking at my last.fm to see if I'm truly been listening to those bands or just trying to get scene points. I'll tell you right now, you'll see Four Year Strong, Forever the Sickest Kids, and probably Every Avenue. At work I tend to play whatever I've recently bought and is still in my car, I really need to get another harddrive. I miss my good CDs. In no way am I saying that those 3 aren't good, just that they don't evoke the emotions that Dream to Make Believe does and probably never will.
I never talk about my feelings or anything because I don't like it when people worry about me. The last thing I'd ever want would be someone to lose sleep over my well being, just leave the worrying to me. I'll figure everything out somehow, someway it's what I do. I'm a fighter.
Just know if I seem distance it's cause I am, I might be physically here but mentally I'm miles away probably in a different timezone. My brain in one location, my body another, my spirit a third and my heart lost. It's times like this that makes me thankful for the friends I have and the people that care oh so much about me. Also my strong will because had this been 4 years ago, I would be searching desperately for that one person that was drinking tonight and joining them shot for shot. Never again have I said and meant "I'm going to drink til I can't feel", nor do I ever want to.
Just know I'm thankful for who you are, what you do and what you mean. I don't want to talk about it but I do. But I just want to talk not really listen, not get a second opinion just say words out of my mouth that have some sort of meaning and call it a day. When I look at you with nothing but hope searching for a "everything will be fine" then feel free to say your piece. <3
I'm not depressed just down. I'm not suicidal just down. I'm not anything extreme just down. Can't be 100% happy all the time but that doesn't mean the end of the world. I have to say this because it seems that whenever I'm feeling less than peachy people get scared and talk and worry. And like I said I hate the worry. I'm fine, well not fine fine but I'll be fine. I'll be great. I just need time to sit, breathe, think, recharge. That's not coming in August and by the looks of things not September either. Time will fly by and I will do my best to be around but I know that my job simply doesn't allow for it.
Come visit me, we'll sit in the freezing basement, listen to the radio, and chat it up while I grind more than rush hour traffic.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept:
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept.

Seriously???

What the fuck did I ever do to you? Saw an amazing movie that brought a smile to my face with two of the best people someone could have in their life. To only be brought down, not gently but sucker punched in the gut and then curbed.
Someone for whatever reason decided to break my windshield wiper off my car. Yeah, really. Karma is a bitch and I know first hand cause of the fucked up things that have been happening in my life, so I know that fate is gonna catch up to all one day. Hopefully theirs is coming quicker than ours.

I really wish I had money to throw around cause this fucking sucks. Another $120 I don't have, plus labor...

I'm just a nobody who cares

Fall tours are slowly being announced and already they are ruining my brain. Do I go to Recher or The National? And if I go to The National do I just go back to Richmond the next day or should I just skip Richmond altogether and not even go to that EPIC tour? Better question who in their right mind would not go to the close ridic show to ride with me to the mediocre one? Well they would consider it meh while I'm peeing my pants trying to be in two places at once.
If this is any indication on how things are going to be, I'm hoping someone I love plays Vegas on my birthday and not Baltimore. I'll tell you right now, if need be I will drive hours for The Academy Is... tour. FTSK & Cobra not so much. Ahhhhhhh! What to do what to do?

By the by, I absolutely love UTIOG

Why?

Why are people assholes? No seriously...
Fuck motherfuckers who can't park and fuck bitches that don't leave notes. I just hope that one day they will see the wrongness of their ways. I also hope that karma returns the favor, maybe not in anything extreme just enough for them to feel shitty for a minute.

While I'm ranting, why is it that people can't be sensible and logical? I understand not everyone thinks the same and that's the beauty of being a human, but seriously how hard is it to shut up your mouth not jump to conclusions or blow things out of proportion enough to come to an amicable decision. Do cats not realize that hysterics waste time and energy and make you someone no one wants to deal with? I'm just glad that after countless hours things are finally getting accomplished.

Lastly, I'm starting to think that deep down I'm not a good person. Just because it seems no matter how far I bend over backwards or how polite I am, things never go my way. And its not like a selfish, bratty I never get what I want. It's a out of 10 options whichever one fucks over monique the most, is the one that plays out. Now I'm a strong believer that what goes around comes around, and good things happen to good people and to those who wait. And nothing is owed to you, you have to go out there and get it for yourself and all that other rah rah sis boom bah shit. But damn, who did I fuck over royally in my past? Cause I can't catch a break. Nevertheless, I roll with the punches and do the best I can to make things the most positive. Just wish fate made things a little easier every once in a while. No matter the case, I'll never stop being me or stop doing what I feel is the selfless right thing to do, and hopefully people won't take too much advantage of it.

My horoscope for today didn't help things. "Be careful about building your plans on unpredictable feelings, for if your emotions change, so can the foundation of your grand adventure. Still, putting together a play book is a smart idea now as long as you don't focus on what you want. Instead be willing to try something very different as you look to see how to do what's best for all." My feelings are already unpredictable and this is going to be an extremely emotional and unpredictable week. Great timing stars. Good thing I'm good on my feet cause it looks like curveballs are ahead.

It's ok because this will always make me smile, til the day it makes me cry...

• About A Girl
• Summer Hair = Forever Young
• His Girl Friday
• The Test
• Rumored Nights
• Automatic Eyes
• Crowded Room
• Coppertone
• After The Last Midtown Show
• Beware! Cougar!
• Paper Chase
• One More Weekend…

oh and fuck overdraft fees!

Here's a pet peeve of mine

If I ask you a question that you should know the answer to because its your opinion, idea, information to know. Don't say yeah ask so-and-so. I could understand if its a story you don't want to relive or your super busy and just told it to someone else. But not when it's do you want white or blue.

FUCKIN SHIT!

Bamboozle Sucked

I was looking back on all my blogs and realized there was a void between May 1st and 7th. That's cause I was living out that waste of a weekend called Bamboozle. If you haven't already heard, you probably won't. One day I'll explain to those of you that have no idea, but today isn't it.

still venting...

Venting

Myspace didn't send my message for the second time and there are ants crawling all over my desk. Not fun times.

Breathe deeply

Work is killing me right now. I want to just throw in the towel and call it a day. There's nothing worst than feeling accomplished just to have to do it again. Basically I thought I was finally making way on this project, to learn that i have to go back and edit everything I've done. of course I wasn't given all the changes at once so I'm on about change number 3. Wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to do the same thing 30 more times.

Breathing deeply, listening to The Early November, venting in short bursts and trying to stop my tense body from shaking and wanting to cause destruction. 3 more hours...