I tripped up the steps at work

No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately.
- Michel de Montaigne

If I had access to a photographer

it would probably look like this
look at those shoes...

This is where you come in

Enough people read this blog for me to ask for an opinion. So I have an option of things to do and people to see. Do I drive an hour (which is nothing) to hang out with one of my favorite people to joke with, have an alright time, eat good food, and possibly party? Or do I go 15minutes down the road, hang out with one of my favorite people to hang out with, have a good time, and see some people I rather not? It's a hard choice. Either way I'll see good people and that's worth it.

Feel free to chime in. No I'm not giving more details, cause that will sway votes.

It's been a lifetime...

The Academy Is... third album released today, super stoked to buy it and look at the beautiful art and listen to the CD everyone has been raving about for months. I hope its everything I think it will be and more. I'd much rather the CD to be amazing and my favorite band to break up than for it to be mediocre. Maybe it can be incredible and they stay together? Maybe...
Buying my tickets tonight to their Philly & DC show cause I'm a megafan. It's ok they know, we just all overlook that. Feel free to do the same.
This Fall is shaping up to be good times with lots of familiar faces and lasting memories. It's crazy to think of all the rad things that have happened in less than a years time, and how they've all came to be. Honestly if you scripted it and ran through 100 times, things would never end up as they have. It's more than being in the right place at the right time, it's all about how you present yourself and what you take from life.
I'm glad I got my friends, memories, and opportunities to get me through these next seven weeks. When you put it like that it doesn't seem that far away. Why didn't I start calculating like this sooner?

I've noticed, people, they all have motives.
Different, yet all the same.
I fumble through every word that was spoken,
and I barely knew your name.

This made me laugh (repost from another blog)

this is why my dad rules. he sends me emails like this:

“The academy is gets a great review in the NYTimes for its new cd. Says that Beckett has one of the great voices in emo. I have time to read it sitting on a plane in Manchester NH that is departing an hour late because they can’t find an adaptor that would let them put air in the tire.

Pete Wentz”

its so insane that my dad knows about emo and bills last name.

haha.

Someday you'll understand that everything is A.O.K.

My friends scare me sometimes. I got a text message a few days ago saying I've been down and if I need to talk about it, I could. I think I'm doing far better than I have been, but maybe better isn't good enough. Another friend basically agreed and said they were worried about me. At this point, I say worry if you'd like but I know I'm good. Consider all the events going on in my life and not just the surface.
I'm probably handling things far better than anyone else would had it been them...

Yesterday was eventful

I woke up pretty early and permed my hair, no more nasty nappy mess going on. My scenetastic bird's nest is no more!! Did some other things, hauled ass to see Empires at Ottobar. I love that band and wished I could've stayed and hung out especially after the looks I received. Haha. Instead I opted to celebrate my cousin's birthday with some family and her friends. She's always looked out for me and made me feel older than I was, big fan of that one. And if you haven't caught on by now I have a very large family that I'm close to so when I say cousin it's probably not the same one as before. I feel and look amazing, who would've thought. Good times and made a new friend Evelyn I will be visiting again soon. Left went to Sonar, met this awesome chick in the bathroom. She was from Philly, 23 and hella rad. We bonded over our knowledge of MC Hammer and the ability to do the percolator. I hope to see Megan again in life, I wish more people were good people. Changed from Indie show attire to Saturday clothes and enjoyed the wonderful sight that is Parkway Drive. Yeah Empires and Parkway Drive, you have no idea what I listen to, stop trying. Haha almost forgot jammed out to Paramore driving back into the city, it just felt right. Left out of there ventured closer to the water, squeezed my car into a tight ass spot and met up with some cats at Fletcher's. Yet another entertaining rock show of a totally different genre. Caught up with some peoples before finally getting a little nourishment and telling Renee about the latest in my romantic life. "Super super is no longer super super?" Come on Renee don't lose hope. After catching my breath it was time to party, my friends can be good people when they want to be and its nice to party and just be. No pressure, no expectations, just a group of kids that like you for you. After Sisqo, Asshole and Four Year Strong, I couldn't ignore my craving for grape juice anymore. Not just grape juice but Welch's Grape Juice, the one that makes your lips pucker. Mmmm. Finally went back to my house more than 12 hours later, completed some internet tasks and slept the most uneventful sleep I've had in months. I honestly think I didn't wake up at all nor did I feel the weight of the masses weighing me on my pillow. Maybe this is a start of being able to breath on my own without gasping for oxygen and dropping the ball.

Maybe

I had the most realistic out there dream

I went to bed at 5am, giving myself a little under 2 hours to rest. I debated if I should just stay awake and watch a movie or sleep. Finally decided to sleep and my dream turned out to be a nice little motion picture.
I won't go into details but I need to look a lot of things up. There were some people there I didn't want to show up, some people I love and some random ass things. Such as some dude had an orange hummer I thought it was my car so I put things in the trunk and realized it wasn't my car when I saw this surfer lookin kid tied and gagged in the trunk. I took my stuff back out thought about freeing him and decided to keep the status quo cause I didn't want to end up like him.
What else happened? Umm I got the phone call of my life, but woke up well before I could act on it.
I climbed this giant hammock thing and roped swang across a pool, rapping. Umm one of my friends aunt's worked at Qdoba in the mall. She messed up my burrito but finally got it right. (I've never met this relative before in real life).
There were showers in my dream but more of, blah blah is taking a shower and not the visual of a shower. I was in a different state for sure. There was also Denny's in the dream.

Yup, I'm crazy...

I'm always one step ahead

It's hard to see where your life is leading these days, yet you believe that you would be happier if you knew for sure. Your thoughts are weighted down by responsibilities, so it's difficult to imagine a solution to your current blues. Paradoxically, accepting the truth as it is -- even if it's less than your ideal -- can put an end to your moodiness.

Done and done if I do say so myself. I need to just focus and believe and be the catalyst for my life.

Just a thought

So little candy bars are called fun sized. Does that mean you have more fun than a bigger bar? And then can one assume that smaller packaged things are more fun than normal or large packaged things?
I guess we now know why I'm so much gosh-darn fun :)

Preach

It's hard to know what's going on because those people you usually rely on for a reality check are not very reliable now. A close family member or friend could bring unnecessary confusion into your life by not telling you exactly what is happening. Unfortunately, others don't share your experience and, therefore, your perspective. Listen to your inner voice rather than the outer ones.
My horoscope could not have been more on the money. Too bad I've already been seeing this for the past few days, I guess today will be the worst well most extreme.

Yanno what sucks the most, is that people tell you to your face that you deserve this or that, and that they are a great friend to you and they would always be there. But when it comes down to it, they are the ones that hurt you most. Not only do they not realize it, they don't care.

What's my motivation?

Honestly I'd rather be home in bed. It's really cold and I'm super super tired and these ads are getting redundant. Good news is that I've been at work for three and a half hours already so the day is practically halfway done. Leaving to get lunch today should be a mood booster, I'm just done with these pale walls. I should sleep more

yup

I really do want everything to work out like a motion picture ending

Crushed

Statement: I'm pissed, no I'm beyond pissed. I don't even know what my emotion is...
Reply: Myspace might have it

Sorry

I haven't been around much late and I apologize. It's August and I'm doing my best to burn the candles at both ends without running out of wick.

Went to Virgin Fest this weekend, Kanye West always seems to put things in perspective for me and confirmed that I'm doing things right in my own way. He should be a far more celebrated rapper. Lil Wayne delayed the entire production but that was expected. Adam Lazzara is ridiculous and Hayley Williams commands every crowd. Dave Grohl is a funny man and Moby makes you feel like you're in a totally different place. Good times and really good people all-around.

I'm about to sue McDonald's or at least bitch a major fit. So pissed at them. Once I calmed down from McDonald's my heart got shoved into my throat and my stomach twisted in knots. Not a good feeling and it's even worst when you can't do anything about it.

I'm doing alright, my mom is worried about my welfare and my friends my heart. So things are just about normal.

Life is flying by

It's August and as expected I'm rapidly losing track of my days. Work is coming at me from all directions but as of now, I've been able to manage. Hopefully I can keep that up after next week when things are in a crunch. My sanity is a bit iffy though, but you all think I'm crazy to begin with anyway...
I've been in a weird mood but feeling lighter than the past, the world is no longer weighing me down beyond 9.8 m/s squared. Yes I walk around knowing the acceleration of gravity. Anywho, just found out a band I wanted to see is coming to Maryland but shit ain't close. Maybe next go around. Speaking of bands, I've been listening to the strangest selections a bad combo of sugar and grit. Not really sure who or what I'm looking for but I have 12 more days to play around.
The search for love is at its normal status whatever that may be, hard to explain in the best sense.
I am in desperate need of Claritin and Saline Spray. That would be the bee's knees.

I found myself thinking about that night on the steps talking about Z Packs and being shot in the head, it was a simpler time back then...

Update

So vandals cost me $175. That sucks. I was sick all weekend and barely sat in an upright position until I forced myself to face the world on Sunday. Definitely feel better but my body is still a bit worn. The idea of being a band slut still baffles me. My appetite is semi-back. August is the worst month ever.

Yup that covers the lot of it

I wish I told you

I'm the first one to say, no need living in the past or to say should've did this. What if I would've just did this. Learn and move on, but sometimes it's so much harder to not dwell on the moments because that may have been the only chance. I don't know about you but that scares me...

I candy coat and cover everything, but I'm still hiding underneath.

hey boy hey

Now would be the perfect time to find that boy that makes me lose my words and hide my face. Eventhough I could only hang out with him at random hours of the night, I'm worth it. haha. He'd just have to ask himself "1127pm....what are her intentions?" :)

Sidenote:
Should've...

I should be laying in bed on my laptop

Anywhere but here.

Lately I've been listening to Yellowcard, Armor, Rage Against the Machine, The Postal Service. I just want to put on some headphones, curl up in a tight ball, turn off all the light, close the curtains and listen to Hidden in Plain View. Maybe hold my Panda and shed a tear.
It breaks my heart knowing there's nothing I can do to fix things, especially when I'm the only one in earshot of the pleas for help. I just keep saying, I took the wrong year off. And time and time again it's proved true.
Don't bother looking at my last.fm to see if I'm truly been listening to those bands or just trying to get scene points. I'll tell you right now, you'll see Four Year Strong, Forever the Sickest Kids, and probably Every Avenue. At work I tend to play whatever I've recently bought and is still in my car, I really need to get another harddrive. I miss my good CDs. In no way am I saying that those 3 aren't good, just that they don't evoke the emotions that Dream to Make Believe does and probably never will.
I never talk about my feelings or anything because I don't like it when people worry about me. The last thing I'd ever want would be someone to lose sleep over my well being, just leave the worrying to me. I'll figure everything out somehow, someway it's what I do. I'm a fighter.
Just know if I seem distance it's cause I am, I might be physically here but mentally I'm miles away probably in a different timezone. My brain in one location, my body another, my spirit a third and my heart lost. It's times like this that makes me thankful for the friends I have and the people that care oh so much about me. Also my strong will because had this been 4 years ago, I would be searching desperately for that one person that was drinking tonight and joining them shot for shot. Never again have I said and meant "I'm going to drink til I can't feel", nor do I ever want to.
Just know I'm thankful for who you are, what you do and what you mean. I don't want to talk about it but I do. But I just want to talk not really listen, not get a second opinion just say words out of my mouth that have some sort of meaning and call it a day. When I look at you with nothing but hope searching for a "everything will be fine" then feel free to say your piece. <3
I'm not depressed just down. I'm not suicidal just down. I'm not anything extreme just down. Can't be 100% happy all the time but that doesn't mean the end of the world. I have to say this because it seems that whenever I'm feeling less than peachy people get scared and talk and worry. And like I said I hate the worry. I'm fine, well not fine fine but I'll be fine. I'll be great. I just need time to sit, breathe, think, recharge. That's not coming in August and by the looks of things not September either. Time will fly by and I will do my best to be around but I know that my job simply doesn't allow for it.
Come visit me, we'll sit in the freezing basement, listen to the radio, and chat it up while I grind more than rush hour traffic.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept:
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept.